It's Okay to Have Big Feelings - It's What You Do With Them That Matters

Big Feelings are part of being human.

I use this phrase often in my BIG Feelings work because it captures something we all need to remember: feelings themselves aren't the problem - it's how we interpret them and act on them that determines the outcome. Some people experience big feelings and make them everyone else's problem, while others push them down, minimize them, or pretend they don't exist. Both reactions come from pain and fear, and both can disconnect us from ourselves. When we don't know how to sit with our emotions and respond to them thoughtfully, we end up betraying our own needs in the process. That's where self-abandonment begins.

Big feelings - like anger, disappointment, or fear - often show up when something inside us needs attention. But many of us were taught to stay calm, be nice, or "let it go," even when something upsets us or doesn't feel right. Over time, that conditioning can make us afraid to speak up or set boundaries, especially in relationships we care about.

If you've ever felt afraid to speak up because you didn't want to upset someone, lose a friendship, or seem "too much," you're not alone. So many young women learn to stay quiet, to smooth things over, to be easygoing - even when it hurts. But keeping the peace by silencing yourself isn't really peace at all.

That's something I had to learn through experience.

Before I Found My Voice

During my senior year of college, I lived in a dorm-style house with two roommates. We all shared one small room, took several of the same classes, and even worked together at the same day care. In other words, we were together constantly - a little bit too much.

At first, I was excited. I had introduced the two of them, and it felt good to see everyone getting along. But as time went on, I started to feel disconnected. The dynamics shifted, and I often felt like the odd one out.

To be fair, it wasn't just them - I was struggling too. I was dealing with unmedicated depression, challenging classes, relationship issues, and working 2 jobs. My stress levels were high and my moods were unpredictable. I tried to hide it, to be agreeable and not make waves, but underneath I felt fragile, insecure, and exhausted from pretending I was okay.

I wanted to speak up, to ask what was happening between us, but I was scared. Scared to hear something that might confirm my fears - that maybe I wasn't wanted, that maybe I was the problem.

So, I stayed quiet.

The quieter I got, the more disconnected I felt - not only from them, but from myself. I told myself I was keeping the peace, but inside, I was shutting down. I never brought up what was happening or asked for clarity. I graduated without ever addressing the tension or understanding what had gone wrong.

The Healing Came Years Later

For a long time, I carried that hurt without realizing it. I moved forward with life - traveled, built a career, started helping others heal - but that experience lived quietly in the background, unresolved.

Then, years later, while working with college-aged clients who reminded me so much of my younger self, those old feelings bubbled back up. I realized I had never really processed what happened. So I did something that scared me: I reached out to one of my former roommates.

Here's what I wrote:

"You and I had been so close during my junior year, and things seemed to change drastically by the time I graduated. I was too afraid to say anything back then, so I never really talked things through with you like I should have. Because of that, I've always wondered what led to the loss of our friendship."

She wrote back almost immediately - and what she shared surprised me. She explained that the distance between us hadn't been about me at all. She'd been struggling with her own personal challenges at the time and could now see how her behavior had impacted people she cared about. She expressed genuine remorse and said she'd often thought about reaching out but hadn't known whether I'd want to hear from her.

Reading her message felt like a missing puzzle piece clicking into place. It gave me clarity, closure, and a kind of peace I hadn't realized I was missing.

It also reminded me that we don't always get the chance to make things right. Life can change quickly, and the opportunity for closure isn't guaranteed. That makes it even more important to speak up when something feels unresolved - not from a place of blame, but from a desire for understanding.

It was a good reminder that healing doesn't always happen in the moment - sometimes it happens years later, when we're finally ready to tell the truth about what hurt us.

What I Know Now

When I finally reached out to my old roommate, I didn't do it on impulse. I waited until I was ready - ready to take responsibility for my part, ready to face whatever response might come, and strong enough to hear the truth without falling apart.

For years, I had carried that mix of hurt and confusion, partly because I'd lost other friendships before and never understood why. This time, I wanted to face it differently - not for closure from someone else, but for peace within myself.

Her response brought compassion and clarity, but the real healing came from finding the courage to reach out. It reminded me that while we can't control how others respond, we can choose how we show up - with honesty, humility, and heart.

That's what the phrase "It's what you do with them that matters" really means to me. Burying my feelings wasn't healthy or helpful, but when those same big feelings resurfaced years later, I chose to do something different. I faced them with openness and courage because I finally felt ready to handle whatever came next.

Now, when big feelings show up, I pause and check in with myself. The first step is always to acknowledge what I'm feeling and tend to it - that's the internal part. Sometimes that means crying, journaling, or just sitting with the emotion until my body settles. Other times, I realize I'm not ready to take any action yet, and that's okay too.

Once I've cared for the feeling itself and feel more grounded, then I can decide what to do about the situation that triggered it. Do I want to have a conversation? Set a boundary? Let it go? That's the external part - choosing how (or whether) to respond.

You don't have to know right away what to do with your emotions, or how to handle what caused them. What matters most is that you acknowledge them and care for yourself while you figure it out.

Life has a way of reminding us that time isn't promised. We don't always get the chance to make things right, but we can always make meaning from what we've learned. Even when we can't rewrite the past, we can decide how we move forward.

I can't go back and redo my younger self's choices, but I can keep showing up differently now. And so can you.

If You're a Quiet Peacemaker

If you've ever swallowed your feelings to keep the peace, please know this:

Your voice matters.

Your boundaries are not too much.

You are allowed to take up space in your relationships.

Speaking up doesn't mean being harsh or confrontational. It means honoring your truth - gently, clearly, and without apology.

You can learn this skill. You can grow stronger boundaries. You can heal from the times you stayed quiet.

Because it's okay to have big feelings.

And when you take the time to understand and care for them first, you’ll find it's much easier to decide what to do with them next. 💛

Reflection Prompt

Think of a time you stayed silent to keep the peace.

What emotion were you protecting yourself from - rejection, guilt, or fear?

What might it look like to speak up next time, even in a small way?

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It's also okay to ask for help when your feelings feel too big to handle on your own. You don't have to go through it alone - therapy can be a safe place to sort through what's coming up and learn new ways to care for yourself. If that feels like the next step for you, I'd love to help. Contact me here to learn more about working together.