What Does "It's Okay to Have Big Feelings" Really Mean? A Therapist Explains

Big feelings are part of being human. Here is a therapist's perspective on how to respond to big feelings in kids and adults.

We all have big feelings. At every age, they can feel overwhelming, confusing, or hard to manage. Yet the phrase "It's okay to have big feelings" can feel unclear or even misleading.

Is it something we say to toddlers during a meltdown?

Is it about parenting?

Is it about mental health?

Is it about adults who feel overwhelmed?

The short answer is yes.

Big feelings show up at every age.

Children have them. Teenagers have them. Adults have them. Parents have them too.

Many people wonder if big feelings mean you are "too sensitive," "overly emotional," or "not resilient enough." Big feelings aren't a sign of weakness. They are part of how our minds and bodies respond to stress, pressure, change, disappointment, and even excitement about things we care about deeply.

Big Feelings Are Part of Being Human

Big feelings can look different depending on age:

• For a young child, it might look like crying when a toy breaks.

• For a teenager, it might look like shutting down after a hard day at school.

• For an adult, it might look like anxiety that won't turn off, irritability, exhaustion, or feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities.

Different ages. Same nervous system patterns.

Emotions are not character flaws. They are signals. They are information. They are your body's way of responding to something that feels important, threatening, exciting, disappointing, or overwhelming.

What the Phrase Actually Means

"It's okay to have big feelings" does not mean anything goes.

It also does not mean we can behave however we feel in the moment.

Big feelings can explain why something happened.

They do not remove responsibility for what we do next.

It means feelings themselves are not wrong.

We can validate the emotion while still guiding behavior.

We can understand the feeling and still set a boundary.

That distinction matters.

Why Ignoring Feelings Backfires

Many of us grew up hearing things like:

"Stop crying."

"You're fine."

"That's not a big deal."

"Calm down."

"You're being too sensitive."

The intention was often good. But the message many of us absorbed was that feelings were inconvenient, dramatic, or too much.

When we ignore emotions or push them away, they rarely disappear. They tend to show up somewhere else.

Sometimes in the body:

• Tight chest

• Headaches

• Stomach aches

• Exhaustion

Sometimes in behavior:

• Snapping at people

• Shutting down

• Procrastinating

• Overworking

• Scrolling to numb out

  
  

Sometimes in relationships:

• Pulling away

• Overreacting

• Feeling misunderstood

• Picking fights

• Avoiding hard conversations

What we avoid does not vanish. It looks for another way to come out.

This is true for children. It is true for teenagers. It is true for adults.

So What Do We Do Instead?

Over time in my work as a therapist, I created a flexible framework called IRULE to help people navigate big feelings when they show up.

Think of it as a set of tools, not a ladder. Sometimes you notice body cues first. Sometimes you identify the feeling first. The point is awareness and responding with intention instead of reacting automatically.

Here is how it works:

I- Identify

Name the feeling. (You can use my feelings wheel to help.)

Giving it a name gives your brain something specific to work with.

• Sad

• Angry

• Anxious

• Frustrated

• Overwhelmed

Putting words to emotion helps calm the brain and body.

R- Recognize

Notice how it shows up in the body:

• Tense shoulders

• Tearful eyes

• Fast heartbeat

• Heavy chest

The body can give us clues as to what emotion we're feeling.

U- Understand

Figure out what triggered it:

• Did something just happen?

• Has something been building?

• Is there a worry underneath it?

Understanding brings clarity.

L- Let Yourself Feel

Before fixing or correcting, allow the emotion to exist.

You do not have to like it.

You do not have to stay in it forever.

You simply acknowledge it.

When we skip this step, emotions often come out in other ways:

• Irritability

• Shutdown

• Tears that seem to come out of nowhere

• A sudden headache

E- Employ a Coping Tool

Support the nervous system:

• Breathing

• Grounding

• Movement

• A hug

• A pause

• A glass of water

• Talking it out

This is not suppression. It is regulation.

Then Choose

After calming down, we choose what to do next.

• Address it

• Apologize

• Set a boundary

• Try again

• Let it go

• Do one small step

There can be more than one right next step. This is where freedom lives. Not in avoiding emotion. Not in reacting automatically. But in practicing the pause.

Feel. Pause. Choose.

Intentional action instead of impulsive reaction can determine the outcome.

A Note for Parents

If you are reading this because your child has big feelings, I want to gently say this:

You are not doing it wrong if you sometimes have big feelings too.

Many adults were never taught how to regulate their own nervous systems. We are learning skills now that we were never shown growing up.

Children borrow our nervous systems. When we slow our breathing and soften our tone, their bodies often begin to slow down too.

When you practice the pause, you model it.

A Note for Adults

If you are reading this for yourself, the same principles apply.

Big feelings do not mean you are immature. They mean you have the capacity to feel deeply, and something inside needs attention.

You are allowed to feel before you fix.

You are allowed to pause before you react.

You are allowed to choose your next step intentionally.

Final Thoughts

"It's okay to have big feelings" is not a slogan about lowering standards or being overly permissive. It doesn't excuse poor choices.

It is an invitation to build emotional awareness.

It is permission to notice what is happening inside of your body and mind.

It is a reminder that emotions are signals, not verdicts. They tell us something. They do not define us.

When we feel, pause, and choose, we shift from reacting automatically to responding with intention.

That shift changes relationships. It changes parenting. It changes how we show up in our own lives.

Big feelings are human.

Learning how to navigate them is a skill, and skills can be learned at any age.

✨ It's okay to have big feelings. It's what you do with them that matters. And what you do shapes who you become.✨

If this resonates, you can explore more tools and reflections inside my BIG Feelings framework here. Learning to feel, pause, and choose is a skill. Whether you're parenting a child or working on your own growth, these skills can be practiced at any age.

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FAQs

Q: Are big feelings unhealthy?

A: No. Big feelings are part of being human and are signals from your nervous system, not a sign that something is "wrong." For example, anxiety can signal stress. Sadness can signal loss. Anger can signal that a boundary was crossed.

Q: Should I ignore big feelings or try to fix them?

A: Avoiding them usually makes them stronger. When feelings are ignored, they often show up in the body, behavior, or relationships instead. Learning to notice and regulate them helps them move rather than build up.

Q: Is there a difference between big feelings and emotional overwhelm?

A: Yes. Big feelings are typical emotional responses to life. Emotional overwhelm happens when those feelings feel too intense, too frequent, or too difficult to manage without support.

Q: How do I help my child with big feelings?

A: Start by regulating yourself. A calm nervous system helps a child's nervous system settle.

For example, if your child is yelling or crying, notice what is happening in your own body. Is your chest tight? Is your voice getting louder? Before responding, take one slow breath. Lower your voice. Unclench your jaw. Slow your movements. Even a small shift in your tone can help your child feel safer. Practice the pause.

Then help them name the feeling, notice what is happening in their body, and choose one small coping tool before deciding what to do next.