Exploring what it means to be your real self in a fake online world.
The first of three blog posts in a series about discovering who you are and how you present yourself to the world.
In order to finish my PhD program I needed to complete a dissertation, which is essentially a 200 page research project. It was a long and challenging process that included late nights full of tears, stress eating, and doomscrolling while trying to get my brain to cooperate and just DO THE THING. (Only recently did I learn that I have inattentive ADHD which explains so much, but that's a topic for another post.) My study explored how Gen Z's authenticity, social comparison, and self-presentation relate to Instagram use. I found a lot of interesting information, so I wanted to share some of it with you as you figure out what it means to be authentic and true to yourself.
Defining Authenticity
"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen."
― Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines authenticity as being "true to one's own personality, spirit, or character." When I think about being authentic, I picture my 7-year-old daughter. She's incredibly sensitive, creative, friendly, and curious. Currently she's obsessed with DragonballZ, pandas, sushi, and her pink boxing gloves. She's a silly, sweet, spirited kid who isn't afraid to be herself. Honestly, I wish I could be more like her.
It's easy to be authentic when you're being raised in a supportive, encouraging environment. My daughter is a neurodivergent kid with neurodivergent parents, so we understand that she's wired differently. It's much more difficult when you are teased, shamed, or shunned for being yourself, especially if this occurs at home. When we receive messages that we are "too much" or "weird," it's common to feel rejected and minimize those parts of ourselves. This is where the challenge of authenticity arises. There are both costs and benefits of being your true self.
The cost of authenticity
In theory, being authentic should be easy. "Just be yourself," right? But what if that authenticity has come with a cost? What if things such as neurodivergence (like Autism or ADHD), expressing your true feelings, sharing your interests, or not meeting the expectations of family or peers have led to criticism or judgment? What if you learned that you need to look or act a certain way in order to be accepted or loved? If you struggle with self-confidence already, it can be very difficult to be your authentic self if it has led to feeling misunderstood or rejected.
Being your real, authentic self also requires being vulnerable and speaking your truth. Just the thought of that can be terrifying, especially if people have preyed on that vulnerability in the past. For example, did you ever share something really personal with a friend, only to find out that later they betrayed your trust and gossiped to other people? Did you end up losing that friend, or realized they weren't truly a friend to begin with? Experiences like this can stay with us and make us less likely to open up and express ourselves. They may also contribute to social anxiety, mistrust, and feelings of helplessness or hopelessness.
The cost of NOT being authentic
So here's the tricky part. Acting "fake" to fit in with others can make you feel even worse. You may receive some sense of social acceptance, but at what cost? Have you ever been surrounded by family or friends but still felt incredibly alone? One of the reasons may be that none of those people truly know- or accept- the real you. Many people learn how to mask, a coping mechanism designed to hide neurodivergent traits or symptoms to fit into society. Examples of masking include imitating the style, facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, or interests of others. Women are especially prone to masking due to societal pressures and social expectations. Long-term masking can lead to depression, anxiety, burnout, and loss of identity.
If you become disconnected from your true strengths and values, it can lead to stress, poor decision-making, and feeling a bit lost. You may question your relationships, choices, and what's most important to you. If you're a teenager or young adult, it's developmentally appropriate to still be figuring out who you are, what you value, and what makes you unique. When you aren't able to identify these characteristics, it can impact your sense of self-esteem and self-worth. Online quizzes and personality tests can be helpful for identifying those qualities. Some of my favorites are 16Personalities, VIA Character Strengths Inventory, and the Values Cards Sort. I use them with my clients to help them understand themselves better and realize that just because they see or move through the world differently, it doesn't make them less amazing. Differences are not necessarily deficits.
Authenticity and Instagram
So here is where authenticity plays a role in your online world. There has been a lot of research done around authenticity and mental health, especially related to social media use. This is because social media now plays a major role in how we present ourselves and interact with others. The pressure to maintain a certain image, say just the right thing, or post for likes can make it difficult to stay true to yourself.
To complete my dissertation research, I sent online surveys to members of Gen Z between the ages of 18 and 25 measuring levels of authenticity, social comparison, and self-presentation when using Instagram. The results found that members of Gen Z who scored higher in authenticity were more likely to utilize a regular Instagram account (Rinsta) and less likely to have a fake Instagram account (Finsta). While some of this research is already outdated because Gen Z has turned to TikTok, Snapchat, and IG stories for communication, it showed that those who were more authentic were less prone to social comparison. The higher a person's authenticity, the more likely they were to present a more real version of themselves online rather than a fake one. Older participants were more likely to score higher on authenticity while younger participants scored higher on social comparison. While these factors will be explored further in parts 2 and 3 of this blog series, it is important to note that time and life experience contribute to a person's overall sense of authenticity. That's a good thing! It means there's always time to learn, grow, and become the real you, even if you're not sure who that is yet.
How to be your authentic self
While you know that it's important to be true to yourself, what does that even look like? How will you know you're being authentic? Here are some examples:
Self-awareness
Integrity
Sense of purpose
Open-mindedness
Vulnerability
Respect
Reflection and growth
Being non-judgmental
Honesty
Living by your values
Expressing genuine emotions
Sharing your interests
Following your intuition / inner guidance
If this seems daunting, you're not alone. There are so many others still figuring out what it means to be true to themselves and live authentically. It's OK to not have all the answers yet. Learning who you truly are and finding your purpose and passions can take time. You'll also come to find that the things you value right now may change as you grow. Every experience you have can be a learning opportunity to help you discover who you do— and do not— want to be. Some of the greatest life lessons are learned by making mistakes and trying again. You may even surprise yourself as you discover more about your authentic self.
Next steps
Navigating what it means to be authentic, especially in today’s filtered, curated online world, is not easy. But remember, authenticity isn’t about having all the answers— it’s about staying open, vulnerable, and true to your values, even when it’s uncomfortable. As you come to learn who you are and what authenticity means to you, try to surround yourself with people who make you feel seen. Explore your interests and use your talents. Be your perfectly imperfect self. Every step forward, even the small ones, will bring you closer to understanding who you truly are. In the next parts of this series, we’ll dive deeper into how social comparison and self-presentation impact your online and offline identity. Until then, take a breath, stay curious, and remember: there's only one you. In time, I hope you learn to love and appreciate the real you.
If you’re feeling stuck, unsure of who you are, or disconnected from your true self, you don’t have to go through it alone. Together, we can explore what authenticity means for you and help you feel more confident and grounded in who you are becoming. Contact me today for a free consultation, and let’s start the journey toward embracing your real self.
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